before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
