Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
