I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
