So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
