apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
