happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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