Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
