whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
