She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I AM VODKA MAN
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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