if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
