Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
