dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
