It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
