i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
