They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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