I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
