I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
