His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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