Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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