My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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