I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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