Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
