got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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