I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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