just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
