goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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