Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Randomize
