So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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