You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
