I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
