thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
