ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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