I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
