God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
