I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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