I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
