Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
