The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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