I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
