Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
