There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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