dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
