There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
