I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
