Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
