we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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