between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This baby is an asshole
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
