Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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