I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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