My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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