im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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