I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
