I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
